How to Create Intimate, Loving & Sexy Relationships
Q: Hi Athena, I have been in a relationship for 3 years. It has been a very, long road as we have grown and overcome a lot of situations together and learnt more about each other. In the beginning I was so happy in love but now I feel mellow. He’s more supportive now compared to the start of our relationship.Although I sometimes feel as though I do not love my partner because the sex is so boring The worst part for me is being intimate. I just find that I am not fully engaged. We are planning a life together but I’m not so sure I want to be married. What do I do? Do I leave our relationship or work on it?
It sounds like you feel a bit lonely and confused at the moment.
Wouldn’t it be great if we had a crystal ball which could give you the magic answer; yes Stacey stay or hell no , it’s time to go?
Unfortunately, I cannot answer this question for you in the way you want.
Ultimately, you are going to have to make the decision as to whether you commit to this relationship or not.
However, I can dispel some myths that are impacting you.
The first one being that you are going to feel exactly the same way as you did when you first met. I.e. that incredible love happiness that comes with new found romance.
Neurologically speaking, our minds are wired to release a powerful blend of oxytocin and dopamine when we first fall in love.
It’s literally like being on drugs.
You feel elated and generally walk around with rose tinted glasses.
Your partner can do no wrong.
Then ‘wham’ the reality of life and the dissipation off of these chemicals (generally takes a year) results in a – how did I land up here – with this person.
So three years down the line, the sex is not as great and a sense of boredom creeps in to the everyday monotony of your relationship.
That’s completely normal and okay.
In fact, world renowned sex therapist, Esther Perel wrote an entire book on this topic called Mating in Captivity.
I highly recommend reading it.
Marriage and relationships all take work and it’s worth it if the fundamental cornerstone of your relationship is love.
Which from the sounds of it, might not be the case for you.
There’s also the issue of your past getting in the way of your present.
It sounds like your partner was not that supportive at the beginning of the relationship and now that he is, well it just doesn’t feel good enough because it wasn’t like that from the start.
It is painful not getting the support you need and require up front.
However, not expressing that pain at the time and then carrying it for three years is a heavy burden to bear.
So I suggest looking at how you personally address forgiveness.
Forgiveness for yourself and towards your partner.
Can you truly forgive your partner for all the past ‘stuff’ that’s happened and move forward with an open mind and heart?
Don’t land up in a state of resentment because things didn’t play out the way you wanted them to.
It may require work but that’s okay.
[ You can watch my video interview with licensed psychotherapist & relationship expert Terri Cole on what it means to do the work. ]
What you have to figure out (for yourself) is whether the work feels worth it.
Lastly, be critical in deciphering your own role and responsibility in this relationship.
After all, you’re not some person who all these things are happening to.
You are an active participant in the story that is your life.
If you don’t like the narrative write a new script.
P.S. I love answering your questions. In fact, it’s the best part of my day so if you have a question for me you can, e-mail or tweet me . This was originally featured in my column #AskAthena for Cosmopolitan Magazine.
P.P.S. If you find yourself stuck in hopeless love relationships , sign up for my free audio course below. I share 5 strategies to moving past repetitive, patterns.